In the recent months, the other pastors and I have been teaching on the numerous aspects and layers of relationships. And recently, I had the nervous but enjoyable experience of teaching with my wife, Minhee, as we shared about our marriage.
- Three things Minhee would like to share with all the husbands at Quest and three things I’d share with all the wives at our church.
- Three biggest mistakes we’ve made in our marriage. We each shared our own.
- Three things we appreciate the most of one another.
- And some final exhortations including the key to our marriage: “Bless one another.”
Several years ago, I wouldn’t have had the guts to have my wife teach alongside me – especially about our marriage. Not that our marriage is a mess in any way but I was more interested in projecting a certain image of who and what I thought I should be as a pastor – especially as the lead pastor. But when you’re a few months shy of 40 years old, you don’t care as much about projecting an image but being loving, gracious, firm, and honest in trying to care for others in the church – even if that happens at the expense of sharing your mistakes and ultimately, testifying to God’s grace over our lives.
Marriage is important. And while I’ve had the great privilege of officiating numerous weddings (including another one this coming Saturday), I’ve also experienced the devastation of destructive relationships, marriages and divorce. There’s just too much at stake to worry about your self preservation and projection.
And it’s not just merely for the sake of others. Marriage is important to Minhee and me. She was a counselor when I first met her nearly 15 years ago and she is pursuing another Masters degree – the current one in Marriage and Family Therapy. But this isn’t about being a pastor or a marriage counselor, marriage is important to us because we have a covenant with God and with one another as husband and wife.
You can watch the entire sermon below but here are the three biggest mistakes I’ve made in our marriage:
Solo Decisions & then trying to convince her
This is pretty dumb and insulting. My wife and I are a team but there have been several occasions where I’ll basically make a decision on my own and then I’ll take it to Minhee and attempt to spin it as a group decision when what I’m doing is…trying to convince her to agree to my decision.
Who can resonate with this?
A Secret – aka Lying
During the 2nd year of our marriage, I made one of my worst decisions that to this day, I’m not quite sure why I made that decision. Bluntly, I lied. I made a financial decision alone (see above) but this time, I withheld it from my wife until that financial decision backfired and I had no choice but to tell her.
The incident set us back and devastated Minhee. It wasn’t the financial aspect that she was distraught over but the fact that in essence, I had lied to her. Needless to say, we had some very intense conversations and I needed to apologize, repent, and re-build trust.
Don’t lie. And don’t have secrets.
Not being fully present
As a long time recovering workaholic, it’s easy for my mind to wander about ministry, cafe, church, ODW, my ‘to-do’ lists, etc. On top of that, I’m equipped with my smartphone – both an ally and an enemy. While I’ve gotten much better, I’ve made the mistake in my marriage of not being fully present when we’re together and that’s not cool.
Not cool at all.
Praise the Lord for faith, hope, and love. And grace.
How about you? If you’re married, what’s one mistake you’ve made in your relationship?
Here’s the video our sermon…and we even got to sing together:
photos credit: Hage Creative Photography