Eugene Cho

the 3 biggest mistakes i’ve made in marriage

In the recent months, the other pastors and I have been teaching on the numerous aspects and layers of relationships. And recently, I had the nervous but enjoyable experience of teaching with my wife, Minhee, as we shared about our marriage.

On the blog, I’ve recently shared my Top 10 Wedding Advice and Top 10 Marriage Advice. During our sermon, we shared our answers to the following questions:

  • Three things Minhee would like to share with all the husbands at Quest and three things I’d share with all the wives at our church.
  • Three biggest mistakes we’ve made in our marriage. We each shared our own.
  • Three things we appreciate the most of one another.
  • And some final exhortations including the key to our marriage: “Bless one another.”

Several years ago, I wouldn’t have had the guts to have my wife teach alongside me – especially about our marriage. Not that our marriage is a mess in any way but I was more interested in projecting a certain image of who and what I thought I should be as a pastor – especially as the lead pastor. But when you’re a few months shy of 40 years old, you don’t care as much about projecting an image but being loving, gracious, firm, and honest in trying to care for others in the church – even if that happens at the expense of sharing your mistakes and ultimately, testifying to God’s grace over our lives.

Marriage is important. And while I’ve had the great privilege of officiating numerous weddings (including another one this coming Saturday), I’ve also experienced the devastation of destructive relationships, marriages and divorce.  There’s just too much at stake to worry about your self preservation and projection.

And it’s not just merely for the sake of others. Marriage is important to Minhee and me. She was a counselor when I first met her nearly 15 years ago and she is pursuing another Masters degree – the current one in Marriage and Family Therapy. But this isn’t about being a pastor or a marriage counselor, marriage is important to us because we have a covenant with God and with one another as husband and wife.

You can watch the entire sermon below but here are the three biggest mistakes I’ve made in our marriage:

Solo Decisions & then trying to convince her

This is pretty dumb and insulting. My wife and I are a team but there have been several occasions where I’ll basically make a decision on my own and then I’ll take it to Minhee and attempt to spin it as a group decision when what I’m doing is…trying to convince her to agree to my decision.

Who can resonate with this?

A Secret – aka Lying

During the 2nd year of our marriage, I made one of my worst decisions that to this day, I’m not quite sure why I made that decision. Bluntly, I lied. I made a financial decision alone (see above) but this time, I withheld it from my wife until that financial decision backfired and I had no choice but to tell her.

The incident set us back and devastated Minhee. It wasn’t the financial aspect that she was distraught over but the fact that in essence, I had lied to her. Needless to say, we had some very intense conversations and I needed to apologize, repent, and re-build trust.

Don’t lie. And don’t have secrets.

Not being fully present

As a long time recovering workaholic, it’s easy for my mind to wander about ministry, cafe, church, ODW, my ‘to-do’ lists, etc. On top of that, I’m equipped with my smartphone – both an ally and an enemy. While I’ve gotten much better, I’ve made the mistake in my marriage of not being fully present when we’re together and that’s not cool.

Not cool at all.

Praise the Lord for faith, hope, and love. And grace.

How about you? If you’re married, what’s one mistake you’ve made in your relationship?

Here’s the video our sermon…and we even got to sing together:

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photos credit: Hage Creative Photography

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16 Responses

  1. klstrovas says:

    There have been many and I just want to say how much I appreciate you sharing honestly about this. As someone who grew up in church then married a pastor, I really thought everyone else’s marriage was peachy while mine was falling apart, because no one talked about how hard it was.

    A relentlessly selfish heart has been my greatest marriage failure. The ramifications have been huge and hurtful. God has worked miracles and brought healing I didn’t see possible. By His grace only, we’re still married 11 years in.

  2. Josh Rowley says:

    “I’m equipped with my smartphone–both an ally and an enemy.”

    Yes.

  3. Andrew says:

    Thank you for sharing your weaknesses. One of the greatest things we can do for the church is realize how admitting our embarrassments can help the kingdom. I am currently dating the woman I hope to be my wife and I can learn from your mistakes. So thankful. And keep up the brutal honesty.

  4. Andrew says:

    Thanks for sharing. I agree that too often we don’t teach about marriage bluntly enough. We need to be willing to stand up in weakness and vulnerability.

    Enjoy being married to an MFT. Haha. My wife just got her MFT degree from Northwestern and it’s a wild ride to be married to someone studying marriages that are falling apart. Like a doctor who sees disease everywhere. But it’s been so great for our marriage as she has pushed us to become a stronger couple.

  5. Josh says:

    Solo decisions with intent to convince…

    My biggest pitfall as a husband, hands down. It’s really quite divisive.

  6. Carlos says:

    Laziness. A mindset of putting out fires in the relationship rather than the hard work of investing energy to thoughtfully and lovingly be in relationship.

  7. Aaron says:

    Being FULLY present. Wow. That just happened to me this weekend and wasn’t pretty. I was there, but I wasn’t “there”. Definitely there in bodily form, but in no other form and she could see right through me. It was like a reverse doceticism… (I gotta get out of seminary quick). Thanks for sharing PE.

    • Eugene Cho says:

      Reverse docetism?

      Yes, you need to get out quick…

      It was good to spend some time with you and your girlfriend down in LA a few weeks back. She really does seem like a wonderful gal.

  8. luke says:

    Not married, but I definately see these correlated to my relationship with christ. I don’t know how many times I’ve done really stupid things without asking God and how many times they have blown upin my face. Or times where I lie to myself and God (you know the farther you are from relationship, the harder it is to identify those things), while those are tricky, learning to listen to not only him, but also yourself helps. Wow… And the last one, I have been trying the spiritual discipline of constant prayer and the difference with being present and not is crazy. Thanks for sharing eugene and Minhee. Thank you for letting the spirit share through you.

  9. David says:

    Love the honesty. I’m in my 2nd year of marriage and see myself in the mistakes you mention above.

  10. Steve says:

    I really enjoyed this article. Now that I am fifty and have been married for almost 29 years, looking back at the times I have caused my wife pain is hard to do. I appreciate your courage in taking the time to do it.

  11. jchenwa says:

    I’m mistaken everyday if I don’t love her with everything I got. I don’t know how she puts up with me sometimes; b/c she loves me so much. She’s the best!

  12. […] marriage. I am not perfect. Minhee, my wife, is not perfect as well. We have shared some of our mistakes in our marriage. I share about my funk. But having said all of this, we love one another and live by grace within […]

  13. […] We’ve learned a great deal and have much more to learn. We’ve loved and have much to love. Couple years ago, I wrote a post and taught a sermon (with Minhee) about some of our best & worst practices and decisions in marriage. […]

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stuff, connect, info

One Day’s Wages

My Instagram

Back safely from Iraq, Lebanon, and Jordan. Thanks for your prayers. 
I have numerous stories to share but for now, the following came up in every conversation with Iraqi/Syrian refugees:

1 Have tea with us. Or coffee. Or juice. Or something with lots of sugar in it. Or better yet, all of the above.
2 We want peace. We want security. 
3 We hate ISIS. 
4 We just want to go home.
5 Please don't forget us.

Please don't forget them... Father, please bless and protect these Iraqi and Syrian "refugee" children that have already endured so much. Protect their hearts and mind from unfathomable trauma. Plant seeds of hope and vision in their lives. And as we pray for them, teach us how to advocate for them. Amen. "We don't call them refugees. We call them relatives. We don't call them camps but centers. Dignity is so important." -  local Iraqi priest whose church has welcomed many "relatives" to their church's property

It's always a privilege to be invited into peoples' home for tea - even if it's a temporary tent. This is an extended Yezidi family that fled the Mosul, Iraq area because of ISIS. It's indeed true that Christians were targeted by ISIS and thatbstory muat be shared but other minority groups like the Yezidis were also targeted. Some of their heartbreaking stories included the kidnapping of their sister. They shared that their father passed away shortly of a "broken heart." The conversation was emotional but afterwards, we asked each other for permission to take photos. Once the selfies came out, the real smiles came out.

So friends: Pray for Iraq. Pray for the persecuted Church. Pray for Christians, minority groups like the Yezidis who fear they will e completely wiped out in the Middle East,, and Muslims alike who are all suffering under ISIS. Friends: I'm traveling in the Middle East this week - Iraq, Lebanon, and Jordan. (Make sure you follow my pics/stories on IG stories). Specifically, I'm here representing @onedayswages to meet, learn, and listen to pastors, local leaders, NGOs, and of course directly from refugees from within these countries - including many from Syria.

For security purposes, I haven't been able to share at all but I'm now able to start sharing some photos and stories. For now, I'll be sharing numerous photos through my IG stories and will be sharing some longer written pieces in couple months when ODW launches another wave of partnerships to come alongside refugees in these areas. Four of us are traveling together also for the purpose of creating a short documentary that we hope to release early next year.

While I'm on my church sabbatical, it's truly a privilege to be able to come to these countries and to meet local pastors and indigenous leaders that tirelessly pursue peace and justice, and to hear directly from refugees. I've read so many various articles and pieces over the years and I thought I was prepared but it has been jarring, heartbreaking,  and gut wrenching. In the midst of such chaos, there's hope but there's also a lot of questions, too.

I hope you follow along as I share photos, stories, and help release this mini-documentary. Please tag friends that might be interested.

Please pray for safety, for empathy, for humility and integrity, for divine meetings. Pray that we listen well; To be present and not just be a consumer of these vulnerable stories. That's my biggest prayer.

Special thanks to @worldvisionusa and @worldrelief for hosting us on this journey. 9/11
Never forget.
And never stop working for peace.

Today, I had some gut wrenching and heart breaking conversations about war, violence, and peacemaking. Mostly, I listened. Never in my wildest imagination did I envision having these conversations on 9/11 of all days. I wish I could share more now but I hope to later after I process them for a few days.

But indeed: Never forget.
And never stop working for peace.
May it be so. Amen. Mount Rainier is simply epic. There's nothing like flying in and out of Seattle.

#mountrainier
#seattle
#northwestisbest

my tweets

  • Boom. Final fishing trip. Grateful. A nice way to end my 3 month sabbatical. #catchandrelease twitter.com/i/web/status/9… || 1 day ago
  • Christians: May we be guided by the Scriptures that remind us, "Seek first the Kingdom of God" and not, "Seek first the kingdom of America." || 1 day ago
  • Every convo with Iraqi/Syrian refugees included: 1 Have tea with us 2 We want peace 3 We hate ISIS 4 We want to go home 5 Don't forget us || 4 days ago
  • Back safely from Iraq, Lebanon, Jordan to assess @OneDaysWages' partnerships & to film mini-documentary on refugee crisis. So many emotions. || 4 days ago
  • Pray for Mexico. For those mourning loved ones. For those fighting for life - even under rubbles. For rescue workers. Lord, in your mercy. || 4 days ago
  • Don't underestimate what God can do through you. God has a very long history of using foolish and broken people for His purposes and glory. || 6 days ago