Eugene Cho

define/dissolve the relationship

Here’s another attempt by Christians to copycat the original…and it has produced Stuff Christians Like.  And there are so many more out there but this one is actually pretty good.  Here’s one of the recent entries from Stuff Christians Like:  #189 [G]DTR as in Define the Relationship or better yet, Dissolve the Relationship. 

You think Christians are timid when it comes to dating?  Umm, they’re really awkward when it comes to breaking up or Dissolving the Relationship because they feel like they have to make it really Spiritual.  Really awkward.  Do you have more to contribute to the list below?

…Those are easy to understand, but the (G)DTR is much more confusing. Most relationships, Christian or not, have a Define The Relationship conversation. That is by no means a uniquely Christian thing to do. It’s that somewhat awkward talk where you try to determine where you are headed, what you are looking for, etc. But it gets all the more complicated when you bring G into it and create the (G)DTR.

The (G)DTR is more complicated than the standard DTR because now in addition to trying to understand your boyfriend’s needs you’ve brought the Creator of the universe into the mix. Now in addition to saying you don’t like that he is playing so much Grand Theft Auto 4 (came out today, that was wicked topical of me to mention it by the way) you have to factor in what Yahweh wants in the relationship. That’s why I have created this handy guide. It translates the things you most often hear in a (G)DTR and tells you what is really being said. Enjoy:

1. They say: “I need to unpack some things and reassess my boundaries.”

They mean: “I’ve secretly gone to counseling and learned some new words that are going to make your head hurt. I’m breaking up with you.”

2. They say: “I feel that I need to spend more time with God.”

They mean: “I feel that I need to spend more time with God and less time with you. I’m breaking up with you.”

3. They say: “I think God is calling me into missions.”

They mean: “The first place God wants me to visit is a land called ‘somwhere you are not.’ I’m leaving tonight. I’m breaking up with you.”

4. They say: “I think God has gifted me with a life of celibacy.”

They mean: “I’ve just dropped the equivalent of a dating atomic bomb. Good luck with all that. I’m breaking up with you.”

5. They say: “I feel like we’ve grown apart.”

They mean: “I represent the word ‘grown,’ you represent, ‘apart,’ as in your falling apart. I’m breaking up with you.”

 

Filed under: entertainment, religion

13 Responses

  1. DK says:

    Not a big fan of Christian copycatting of secular stuff because they usually screw it up but this one is average. Nothing compared to the original Stuff White People Like.

    Favorite Breakup Line: “God told me…”

  2. Jennifer says:

    One of my friends in high school had a boyfriend break up with her this way…

    He said : I was at home, watching the Christmas lights go blink-blink…blink-blink…blink-blink. And I started to think how much “blink-blink” sounds like “break-up” so I knew God was sending me a message through the Christmas lights that we should break up.

  3. beattieblog says:

    I saw this a while back and thought it was pretty good. DK is right about what usually happens. The one on hand clapping is great – as a former Vineyard pastor, this is waaaay true. I will give them props though – he has a very interesting post on why porn is winning – http://stufffchristianslike.blogspot.com/2008/04/173-letting-porn-win.html that touched on some of the work he’s doings. Seems like an interesting guy.

  4. justin says:

    i’ve heard of christian pick-up lines, but not christian break-up lines…

    sounds like an cheap way to shuffle responsibility and blame god… “it’s not you… (it’s not me…) it’s god…”

  5. jessica hong says:

    some of my favorites [that i’ve gleaned from the collective trials and tribulations of many disillusioned fellow single folk]:

    “i think God just wants me to be single in this season of my life.” which can sometimes translate to “i’m not ready to be a grown-up and develop the emotional maturity it takes to care more about someone else’s feelings more than my own.”

    or

    “i think we should be discerning and take it slow.” which can sometimes mean “i don’t want to call you my girlfriend/boyfriend but i’d still like to make-out every now and then. preferably, now.”

  6. Ian says:

    Choosing everything from romantic partners to colleges, young Christians are good at waiting around for galactic marching orders from God (instead of just taking action). “God, you’re the game show host. Which of the three doors do I open? Where’s the prize hiding?”

  7. Jules says:

    There was a jerk in my college years who gave me this monologue:

    “I’m looking for a Proverbs 32 kind of a woman and you’re not person.”

    My response: “It’s actually Proverbs 31 you asshole.”
    And then, I repented.

  8. Jason Douros says:

    I am so glad I’m married. I don’t miss the dating scene one bit. My heart and sympathy goes out to those still wadding through the murky waters….but I tend to agree. Leave God out of your relationship inadequates and dysfunctions and take responsibility for own issues.

    Love the response Jessica…classic.

  9. Jules says:

    Here’s another one: “I really value your friendship.”

    Normal human translation: “I appreciate your friendship but nothing more.”

  10. Rebecca says:

    Oh yes, love the “value your friendship” line. Heard that one.

    The best, and correspondingly, worst, was my ex-boyfriend, who told me that God said we should get married. Then a few months later he said that he didn’t love me enough to marry me, but God wanted us to be together, so I should wait until he was ready.

    Um, no. maybe not.

  11. g says:

    >>He said : I was at home, watching the Christmas lights go blink-blink…blink-blink…blink-blink. And I started to think how much “blink-blink” sounds like “break-up” so I knew God was sending me a message through the Christmas lights that we should break up.

    hahahaha. I almost choked on my food laughing at this.

  12. Melissa says:

    Worse than the Christian breakup lines are the Christian anti-break-up lines.

    I once told a boyfriend that God told me we shouldn’t be together (because He HAD!), and the guy responded: “Well, what if God tells you later on that we should be together again? Shouldn’t we be ready?”

    Sadly, I was so flabbergasted that I did not have an appropriately stinging reply. We broke up anyway.

  13. laurakt says:

    Actually, “I value your friendship” often means something more like, “I really don’t want to see you anymore.” Actually, here’s my personal favorite. I told a guy who was into me just straight up, I’m not interested in you. And he came back with several gems including, “I was just trying to help you, because you seemed lonely.”

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