It was intended to be a humorous post – a post you write because I had nothing better to share and everyone likes the occasional humor on their blog. So, I shared “a joke” called “Cute Guys” couple days ago and well, it brought out some interesting comments, emails, and potential threats.
In all seriousness, what it conveyed to me is that we don’t talk enough about dating, courtship, marriage, sex, and healthy relationships. Last year, I very much enjoyed teaching a six week series entitled, God’s Ethics of Intimacy, and attempted to cover those and other juicy topics. Well, at least I enjoyed it. I invested two Sundays on Dating & Courtship and you can listen to the sermons here: Part I and Part II. I’ll write another post tomorrow or early next week about Dating & Courtship – not because I’m an expert – but because these are questions I personally wrestled with in the past, and questions I wrestle with now as I seek to give godly and wise counsel to the people I seek to pastor, shepherd, and guide.
But let me say this about the Single Men at Quest since they’re under scrutiny for not taking initiative: They are good guys with good hearts. Only twice in the past seven years since Quest Church’s inception have I had to confront a dude [and eventually ask them to leave] for being an arse, deceiver, and manipulator. They’re clearly not perfect [just like their pastor] but they are good men seeking to live their lives honorably – including in the area of dating and courtship. If it was as simple as asking a woman out on a date…then, everybody would be dating everybody.
Having a room full [or in this case, a church] full of cute guys and cute gals don’t automatically equate chemistry, connections, relationships, marriages, and Happy Ever After. So, while we need to take initiative, I’d also put in a vote for the virtue of “patience.” Good things are happening in our church community as evidenced by good friendships. And good friendships will, at times, lead to good and healthy relationships. Let’s not Kiss Dating Goodbye but we should agree: Kiss Reckless Dating Goodbye.
And as we do dialogue, I am sharing [with permission] an incredible entry shared a single woman at our church – on her blog, The Secret Life of Daydreams [umm, not so secret anymore]. I very much appreciated her vulnerability and courage. It’s a good word – for both men and women.
Pastor Eugene wrote a blog post this week on guys and dating at Quest. I have now officially been given the classification of “QSW”-Quest Single Woman. In this post, he relates a joke from a friend of mine at Quest about the lack of, shall we say, prospects at Quest. He also calls on the QSM (Quest Single Man) population to step up their game.
Now, I don’t think that all the cute guys at Quest are visitors, as the joke went. On the contrary, I think that there are plenty of cute QSMs. I find many of them attractive in myriad ways. As a matter of fact, there are very few guys at Quest that I wouldn’t date.
But I understand the sentiment behind the joke. In my two and a half years at Quest, I have NEVER been asked out. And just this past week I have had more than one conversation with other QSW friends who have expressed the same frustration, to the point where one friend called the situation “hopeless”.
Somehow I think in our determination to not be like the church across the bridge, we have missed the truth that it is perfectly reasonable to date people at church as long as we do it with honesty, integrity, and character. No, church should not be a meet market, but where better to find people that share your values then at the church you call home?
There has been quite the discussion on PE’s post. I would like to answer a couple of comments, if I may. One guy asked about girls initiating, asking guys out instead of expecting the guys to do all the work. While I can understand that question, allow me to share my personal feelings on this.
There are times I have come close to asking a guy out. I have liked guys and known that they were oblivious and thought that perhaps, if I made a move, they would see the light and we would go from there. I mean, I would make a kickass girlfriend. Seriously, I don’t say that lightly. I have my issues, my faults and my baggage, but I also seek honesty and openness in relationship, and I love to have fun. I know that we are all broken people but we can find beauty in accepting each other as we are and finding the unique ways that God has created us.
But I’ve also been told that I am intimidating, and that this is why guys don’t ask me out. I don’t really know why I am intimidating-I am not the most beautiful, or the most intelligent, or the most accomplished girl at Quest. Perhaps it is because I lead things-C group, ministry, worship. Perhaps it is because I am…well…not petite. But I would really really really love it if a guy would want me enough to get over my intimidation factor and pursue me. That’s my own personal relationship need. Otherwise, I guess I would always feel that I had to convince the guy, or perhaps intimidate him, into liking me. I don’t want that. I want to be wanted.
I’m not saying every girl is like that, although a lot of girls I talk to do desire to be pursued. Perhaps it is just how we are wired. But there are other girls I know at Quest that would be willing to ask a guy out, if they thought that he was actually interested in dating someone.
Another issue I see is that we all have some skewed view of what we want, who the perfect person is for us. We imagine a certain look, a certain personality, whatever it may be. And when we meet someone new, we compare them to our supposed ideal or “perfect match” and when they don’t measure up to the fantasy, we write them off. But I once met a guy who seemed to be the exact “ideal guy” I had imagined in college. And you know what? He was completely wrong for me. I’ve since learned to be more open to possibilities, open to take a chance on someone I might not have considered before, but who could turn out to be an amazing friend and/or partner in life.
But so far, no one has wanted to take that chance on me.
So to all the QSMs, this QSW (and most of my friends) would give you a chance, if you would take a chance on us. I can’t guarantee it will work out, and maybe at times it will be hard or awkward. But I hope you would find us worth the risk.